Category Archives: Choose Again

A Day I Chose Again

stock-woman-alone-tree-thinking-8u3e

On an uncharacteristically warm and sunny day in early November, I took a walk on the winding, hilly lanes in the beautiful lake community in New England where I live. I ended up at the beach where the long line of boats is now out of the water; the docks disassembled and brought to shore tied securely to land, ready for the long winter ahead. But the Adirondack chairs were still out and so I rested a while, with my face in the sun.

I felt blessed that on a Monday morning I didn’t have to rush off to work somewhere and instead I could be here on a deserted beach, reaching into my mind and heart to connect with the Source within and notice that in spite of the gratitude I felt so strongly, there was a restlessness this day that disturbed the sense of peace I’ve come to see as the barometer of my life.

With eyes closed, my head resting on the top of the chair, I met myself in my sacred space, under a big oak tree facing Jesus – my favorite go-to guide – who always waits for me sitting cross-legged on the ground. He knew I spent the morning feeling uninspired, not able to lose myself in some project or another and feeling that my inactivity and lack of focus was a problem instead of what simply was.

He knew I was no longer interested in doing anything that didn’t come from an inspired place; that I wanted to be done through – not done by. He knew that what I did or didn’t do, didn’t really matter…only that it called to my heart…for then, it would also bring me and others joy.

The restlessness I felt alerted me that something was off…and so I asked for help.

I was told that most of us fill our lives with a busyness that modern life demands; that uses these distractions to suck us in, sometimes for months, years, or even a lifetime. Decades go by and we find we’ve done nothing significant despite any worldly success we may have achieved; nothing that helps lift the veil of forgetting and brings light into this human experience we all share.

I was told that whatever I perceived as being not right; whatever I judged as shouldn’t be happening or should be happening, slowed down the process of the clearing that was necessary in order to be done through.

I was being escorted off the fast-moving  train, but I kept grasping the open doors, refusing to let go. I was refusing to let go because I was afraid of falling – or failing – as it sped through the landscape of my life.

Ahhh,  another layer of resistance revealed as I struggled to surrender once again to the calling of life. Foolish I know, for life will have its way with me.  Do I go willingly, gracefully, knowing that ultimately, only good happens? Do I trust the process of life and surrender into the Divinity of it all; the Divinity that I am?  Or do I fall back to the familiar, the logical, the safe ways of yesterday and give way to my fears?

That warm day in November I decided, not from a speeding train, but from the sweet solitude of a sun-streaked beach, in calm surrender, to once again turn to my noble companion under the big oak tree and in the turning…I chose again.

Blessings Silvia

 

 

 

 

 

The Split Mind

Cracked

When I was younger I was very ambitious. I thought I didn’t really matter unless I made something of myself. Even that expression sounds weird to me now.

Make something of myself?

What does that even mean?

Yet we all know exactly what that means. We’ve been told so many times, in so many ways  we rarely even question it…until life throws us a curve ball (or two or three) and our concept of “myself” gets shaken.  It’s a good day when that happens.

Yet most of us, conditioned by the thinking of the world, don’t see the opening that a fractured self concept presents. We don’t see the gift of it. Instead we see all the reasons we’re not good enough. We hurl more curve balls to this self than the world ever did.

But if we’ve got ambition, talent and a healthy work ethic, we try harder to make it in the world. It drives us to years of education, 60 hour work weeks, building a career and a family, making more money, buying more stuff…thinking we need all this to sustain us. And the eyes of the world call this self a success. And we believe it…until we don’t.

We may have done a heroic job of patching up the fracture in the concept of the self, but it never really healed. We don’t know yet that the split can’t fully close, that what lies beyond it is Life, that what we really want is for it to crack open because that’s where freedom is. Instead we choose to go through battlefields wounded and afraid until we’ve suffered enough.

A Course in Miracles calls this fracture, our split mind. Each side houses a distinct, irreconcilable  thought system. One belongs to the ego, the other to Spirit; one is based on fear, the other Love, and only one of them is real.

We spend lifetimes functioning from the ego, because that’s the operating system of the world. We’ve forgotten the other world, ruled by love and forgiveness, where the self is the Self, whole, complete, innocent, more wondrous than we can imagine. Yet imprisoned in the ego’s side of the split we spend countless lifetimes trying to be a fraction of what we already are.

That’s why “make something of myself” doesn’t make sense!

The light that shines through the cracks, that never stops, that whispers the wonders of who we are, calling us to the right side that promises us an end to suffering, pain, depression, loneliness and separation because it doesn’t know these things, but knows we do – even if only in dreams. It promises us perfect happiness because that’s where we really live.

The crack is an opening to our freedom, that gets larger as we listen to its siren song. Sometimes it breaks us open suddenly, but mostly it’s a slow, perfectly orchestrated process where the Spirit takes all the ego throws at us and sings us a different song. Not a lullaby  that lulls us to sleep, but a happy tune that wakes us up and asks once more, as it has countless times, to choose Love again.

Many blessings, Silvia

And now my dear companions, it’s your turn…

What comes to your mind? Do tell us…